A lot of time has passed since I last did a blog post. TOO much time. I keep getting asked and encouraged to get back to it.
There’s no real singular reason for my absence. My reasons/excuses and justifications are plentiful. But, the longer you leave something the worse it gets, the harder it is to get back in the saddle again.
To be brutally open and honest, I’ve went through some difficult months since around November/December of last year. It would be easier to not dwell upon it or bring a big bottle of negativity to the Productivity and Positive Outlook Banquet, I feel it needs addressed.
At the back end of last year, I went across to North America not once but twice in the space of a month. A totally unforeseen end to 2024! The first trip helping my sister emigrate to Vancouver, BC. A madcap plan that only materialised around September. Meanwhile, my daughter, who was teaching for a living in Japan, decided she’d had enough. Worked to exhaustion and exploited for every ounce of time and energy she had by her unscrupulous employers. She informed me that she was moving to the US to be with her boyfriend and live just over the border, in Washington state.
Glancing at a map and spotting that they lived a mere one inch below my sisters’ new Canadian home. Hiring a car, I drove the short (!!) 6 hours to see them both. Having not seen my daughter in over a year, it came as a bit of a shock when they announced they were getting married….”Oh! When?” I asked. “In a fortnights time” came the reply! So, ten days later, back I went. There was no way I wasn’t going to be there to witness my wee girl get wed. It was only a short trip of around six days as I needed to return for three pizza events on the same weekend. Bang in the midst of Storm Darragh.
This was followed up with a promised stint of building work. Ripping out the innards of an old village hall on the West coast of Scotland. Illness inevitably hit me, Hard! Coughs and splutters and a bad chesty cold grabbed hold of me. Everything felt horrendous. Come Christmas, I ended up in hospital, but it wasn’t me who was the patient…
Whilst in the US, my Dad’s wife, Liz had taken ill again and spent a few days in hospital. Complications with her lifelong diabetes and cancer. Rather than doing my usual Christmas party trick and running away, I had decided that a Christmas with Dad and Liz would be best this year.
Sadly, five years after diagnosis, tumours had been found in her head. Christmas time was just another day, but in a ward of South Tyneside General Hospital. I don’t really know how best to describe the sight of 6 nurses in party hats singing and dancing the Hokey Cokey down the wards!
My pizza work took a nosedive, I did very little to promote it or chase any work. What savings I had built up, dissolved into nothing. Swallowed up by two expensive trips to the States and a slipshod work ethic.
Thankfully, Liz got back home again and I headed back to Cumbria. A last minute decision saw me drive to Fife to spemd New Year with my mate, Tim and his family and friends. They had booked out a massive holiday let with a living room the size of a football field, complete with obligatory, grand piano. Even though I had an open invite, they had no clue when I’d arrive. It was cold, dark and windy when I parked up at Lower Largo and I couldn’t figure out where the entrance to the property was. I resolved this by shimmying up a lamppost, clambering over a balcony and letting myself into the throng through the open patio doors. Might as well make an entrance eh?
The next morning I was first up whilst a houseful of twenty or more, slept on. I slipped out and headed for Kirkcaldy to do Parkrun. For the first time in a fortnight, I felt I was able to exercise again and I realised just how much my body and soul had missed this important outlet that they yearn for.
There was an even bigger night planned for that evening, to celebrate two birthdays but I thought to myself ‘I ought to spend time with my OWN family’
Trying not to draw similarities with Alan Partridge when he drove to Dundee without any shoes on, I drove to Aberdeen (socked and shoed) Catching up with my Aunt and Uncle and the rest of the clan is always nice and they appreciated my surprise drop in.
And so we started 2025. Quarter One. A new year, fresh goals. Excitement. New business ideas. Opportunities and adventures…..
I felt FLAT. In December I managed to cobble together a video call on ‘How to Make 2025 your Best Year Ever’ . Making efforts to begin my 12 Minutes Daily business get some traction and get used to putting myself out there. I couldn’t even hold myself accountable to MYSELF!
Anything business related for me was either slow or non existent. My Sports Massage work, minimal, pizza events and evenings, not a patch on the previous year and 12 Minutes Daily and blogging? Pah. Let’s not even go into it.
Through the end of December and for the first couple of weeks of January I didn’t feel right. For someone normally as regular as clockwork for the little boys room, suddenly found himself unable to go. Blocked. aches and pains, occasional dizzy spells, blocked ears and just not right at all. A rare trip to the Doctors hit me with all of the tests. Full bloods, poop scoops, ECG, Blood pressure, the works. When IBS got discussed then the second vial got produced ‘to test for bowel cancer’ – I started to worry unnecessarily.
Naturally, all tests came back clear. ECG was fine, bloods all normal and Blood pressure 120/80. But I still felt ‘wrong’ One evening I prayed on it and woke the next morning with some clarity. It wasn’t a physical blockage that was at large here. It was a mental one.
January and February are known to be quieter months for outdoor catering etc. For many small businesses in fact. But I’ve now come to understand that this ‘fact’ is complete and utter Tosh! The fallacy runs along the usual lines of – it’s after Christmas, people haven’t got any money, Economy is in a mess, cost of living is going up and people just can’t afford this or that, January is a terrible month and so on. Nonsense. Those theories and scarcity ways of thinking are so easy to fall into and for many years of having my own businesses, I’ve believed it myself too.
Last year, in bitter cold and sub zero temperatures, I still turned
up week after week and trade was SO bad that one particular Wednesday in my own village, I sold ONE pizza – a Margherita. And that was to an Asda delivery driver. A whopping £10 for the whole evening. Then a couple of days later, whilst wandering over the Pennines I found a lost spaniel and returned it to its owners. I wrote about it here and my tale went viral. The following Wednesday, half the village showed up. Over £400 rolled in from people who ‘Wanted to speak to the guy that found that dog’
The next week (probably off the back of that too) I got a chance to do pizzas outside of a local pub, owing to them no longer serving food. I was warned it would be busy and to ‘bring lots of dough to cope with demand’ But hey, it was still mid-January and I knew it wouldn’t be crazy. I took along more than I thought I needed. Then, crazy HAPPENED! I was overwhelmed with people and orders. It was so busy that I sold out completely. In January!
This year however, it was quiet. But it wasn’t a lack of people problem. It was a lack of Micky!
You can do all the affirmations and meditations in the world, you can have a positive attitude and dismiss any misguided narratives that hold you back. You can reassure yourself based upon past experience that all will be well. But – you still need to put in the WORK! Without ACTION then nothing happens. Yes, things will be better than they would be with a closed mindset and expecting the worst. But without putting in any effort, chasing leads, doing the marketing, pushing that extra bit harder, then things won’t tip in your favour, regardless of what you believe and what you think the universe will grant you!
That was me – no effort, no motivation, dragging myself along.
Back on Tyneside Liz was deteriorating and whilst I was making more efforts to get across to the North East when I could, I was pushing it all down and trying to not to dwell on it too much. Living in denial, its called. Everyone does it some way or another. Some people waltz through life with nary a care in the world. They have never struggled financially, never wanted for anything or had anyone die on them save for elderly relatives. They are in their 40’s, 50’s or 60’s even, never lost anyone close and they still have both parents alive and well. Then, for some other folk it’s an entirely different story. They have experienced endless hardship and difficulties. Grief is no stranger in their world. I’ve found that when you have experienced so so much of it, you begin to feel really bad because you don’t feel bad ENOUGH when these things happen. You can’t explain it. But its simply a case of your brain knows how to handle the situation and can cope better than the person who’s never lost anyone before. For them, its total devastation. The first cut is the deepest. as the song goes.
Tragically, I’ve seen too many people close to me die. It ranges from deeply saddening to outright horrific. And those out of the blue phone calls can be as bad. You convince yourself that you can cope and you know, you probably CAN. But subconsciously, your brain says differently. That grief and upset comes out in different ways. I somehow convinced myself that ‘I was OK and I’m strong’ when my brother died. But grief forced its way out like hernia. It found a way. Whilst talking to Sports Massage clients or even just having coffee with friends, this social anxiety and panic would wash over me and I would go red and start sweating profusely. Utterly out of my control. That was my brain saying ‘No pal – you are definitely NOT OK’
On Easter Monday Elizabeth Mallen’s fight came to an end and we lost her. She was only 62. My poor Dad was devastated. Our family lost one of its last lynch pins. Often you don’t realise it at the time but afterwards you start to acknowledge lost loved ones have been key to holding families together, friendship groups or even entire organisations. You see it when someone moves away to start life anew – they start up a fresh new thing somewhere else and behind them the once flourishing ‘plants’ that they grew and nurtured, starved of its supply of nutrients and care, start to shrink and wither. My brother was a pivotal figure in our family too. Lynch pins.
Weeks turned into months and I lolloped about in denial and tried to keep on keeping on. Constantly aware that my Dad needed support now more than ever. Life makes gives no concessions for circumstances and cares not about timing. At the start of April I’d finally managed to meet a really nice lass. I’d given up hope and just stopped looking, resigning myself to a single life, but one in which I was, for the main part, content enough with. Jill came along and ticked lots of the boxes I was looking for. Although me being me, I couldn’t meet someone local now could I? Oh no – it ended up being someone from back in my native North East. You don’t get to write the script of your own life. Whilst the timing wasn’t great, for either of us, she probably came along at exactly the RIGHT time. When I needed someone there for me, to stop me going completely off the rails with everything.
Many times this past year I’ve looked back on it and asked
– What’s gone wrong?
– Why am I not super focused and productive anymore?
– Why do I feel like THIS?
– Why I am not kicking on with everything?
In thinking about this year, my life in general, how lucky I really am, then there should be no reason to ask any of these introspective questions of myself.
Initially I thought that maybe my daughter getting married was an underlying reason. She’s been through University, moved to London briefly then over a year working in Japan on a three year visa. Now, settled in the North West America and married, she not a young child anymore. She’ll be 24 next month. Perhaps, I thought, that whilst I’m delighted she married and found love and happiness, part of me as a father, feels redundant now. My little girl doesn’t really need her Daddy anymore. Ridiculous I know. I’ve never been a Dad of a grown up daughter before – this is my only experience of it. So I don’t know if my feelings are normal or not.
One night a couple of months ago I asked myself – have I actually allowed myself the time to grieve or think of Liz at all? (The answer of course, being No) This question caused me to break down in tears, right there in my kitchen. Ah!! Got you!
Then I chose to look back on this year, all of the things I’ve still managed to do and achieve. Comparisons got drawn to the previous 2 years – 2023 and 24. Tracing it back to my epiphany at the end of 2022. That caused yet another A-ha moment. I had to check myself and say ‘Micky – you have crammed SO much into the last two years. Achieved so much and smashed goal after goal. Its OK for a bit of a lull. I simply can’t keep at full bore. ALL the time’ (totally untrue of course and probably just me looking for an excuse for not running on all four cylinders. But it would actually make sense of things a little
And so there we have it. This has been incredibly difficult to write. Almost like a very public, therapy session from me, to me, in a virtual auditorium full of people. Its October. We are three weeks into Quarter 4. The last 12 weeks of the year and I’m chasing after goals with renewed vigour. My focus is returning. Getting all this down on paper and freeing the blockage has seemed like an impossible pill to swallow. It’s been a year of blockages. Physical, mental, business, procrastination, progress and the blockage writing of these blocks, I mean blogs.
The thing is – I have all the tools and knowledge necessary to overcome them but I wanted to share this story with everyone to show, I struggle just as much as everyone else. Life isn’t rosy and a million miles an hour all the time. Overcoming life’s challenges is part of the daily struggle – for us ALL. Its all about how you deal with it.
You can choose to live in the drama of it all, use all of life’s sticks and stones as reasons for feeling stuck. Or you can choose to recognise that whilst they exist, you are not going to allow them to beat you down to the point where you STAY down. For a long while I was face down on the canvas SO much, all I could smell was canvas! But I kept getting up. Every. Time. Some don’t. Won’t. Can’t.
Life can be challenging and tough, brutally so at times. Allow these things to shape you, but NEVER allow them to DEFINE you. That’s the secret. This year has had a LOT of positives for me too. My 50th year on the planet. Not quite how I expected it would go, but we roll with the punches. Still ELEVEN weeks left of 2025 – that’s 20%!! We’re not done with this year yet!
Part Two of my re-introduction to blogging/writing will talk about how I managed to somehow get back on top of things this year and some of the highlights of the year so far. Quarter 4 is coming along nicely so far too…
Thanks for reading!
Micky
I’ m Certified Transformational Coach. If you feel like you’d like some guidance through your own battles or help with achieving your goals then I’m taking on five new coaching clients over the next few weeks – drop me an email and we can do a FREE strategy call.
